As I sit here, I find myself almost at a loss of what to say, because there are so many things that I want to say. I'd like to start by that it's almost a form of nostalgia that has me here today writing to you. My life has both settled and become more complicated. I find myself putting old demons to bed. And though they never go away entirely, they are, at least temporarily, put in their place, as I allow peace and light to ensconce my soul and drive their darkness away.
This is a cycle that I go through without fail. And, I'm sure most of you lovely readers, if you're honest with yourselves, have gone through at least one cycle. I had a member of my court, remind me that everyone goes through tough times, their own version of hell that they measure everyone else's hell to. I was starkly reminded that my version of hell may be darker than some, but is also lighter than others. I would never deign to say that I've had the darkest and hardest road, but I do struggle in ways that many people don't. Now, this doesn't mean my demons are worse than others, it's my own reaction to those demons that, perhaps, makes my suffering more intense than it should be, or even than it needs to be. I have always been very candid that I tend to play with my demons when they come out. I, at times, encourage them. I'm sure that there are some of you, lovely readers, that can relate to this. This is a very dangerous game to play. Most of you, my darling readers, are able to acknowledge and fight off those same demons, banishing them much sooner than those of us that, like a cat playing with it's food, try to show how strong we are. It's really a slippery slope to play with the darkest inner workings of ourselves, and one that usually ends with new wounds that need time to heal. We're an odd breed, us cats playing with our food. And if you, perhaps, fit into that category, I'd like to remind you that you're not alone. You're never alone. There are always some of us out there that act and feel the way you do. Never be afraid to reach out. We will always be here to take your hand and guide you back home when you've lost your way.
So, using my cat playing with its food analogy, yes, we always beat our demons, and eventually retreat to a state of indifference to lick our wounds and clean ourselves of the battle that took place, but it's a tiring and draining process. It's a process that with enough demons can wear out a soul to the point of breaking. I've been there before. It's not pleasant, it's not somewhere I wish anyone to reach. However, if that's where you are, my lovely reader, this is me reaching out my hand, offering you support, clinging to you to help pull you from those pits of despair that have begun to feel like home. Do not give up. Do not go quietly, even when it seems so easy, and like it may very well be the smoothest road. I won't give up on you, don't give up on me. These are the things that members of my court remind me when I am at my weakest, and I offer them to you now. And, after many months of hell, and darkness embracing me at every turn, I, at some point, turned a corner and saw a sliver of light. I've since followed that light all the way home, and found peace. My court has been behind me all along. It's been my court that held my hand when I couldn't see beyond the shadows that darkened my world. It's been my court that pulled me from the water when my head sunk beneath the waves. It's been my court that has walked every step with me as I struggled to make my way home. And it takes a court. One person could not bear the weight of my demons and myself. Indeed, it's taken years of forming my court, as people that couldn't bear the weight have walked out. I now have four people that consistently work to keep me afloat when I begin to sink into those dark and murky depths.
As I've made my way out of that darkness, I've reached a place of peace, and that, that peace, is what's allowed me to walk away from those demons that reach a place where I wondered who was playing with whom. That peace has been found in yoga, meditation, novel writing, and my own spirituality. I found things that made me feel at peace, things that allowed me a moment's rest, things that gave me a reprieve, no matter how slight. As time went on, I'd slip and fall, and a member of my court was always there to help pick me up and carry me until I could again stand on my own. I've not taken a step of this road alone. If you need a member of your own court, please, reach out, I'm here for you. I've found wisdom from the amount of times I've played with these demons and how my tactics have changed over the years. I've found that my new spirituality has also given me different perspective, and I truly feel that that has made the single largest difference. I came from a Western religion that offered more questions than answers, at least for me. Once I switched to an Eastern perspective, it felt like coming home. I found the answers I'd so been looking for. I heard so many teachers offer wisdom on how to defeat one's demons. I learned how to let those demons go, and at times it was only releasing a pinkie from that fight, but a pinkie is better than nothing at all. Now, here I sit, completely at peace.
I tell you, it won't be easy. It's going to require completely falling apart, maybe at times tearing yourself apart, but it will get better. There's a quote from Cynthia Occelli that I love, "For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." The truth in that quote speaks magnitudes. And that, my lovely readers, is what it will take. It will take you breaking completely. It will take you hurting, for what seems like ages. It will take you fighting every habit and thought you have. But, in the end, you will reach a point where you realize, you're not breaking anymore, you're not hurting as much, and you're not fighting your habits and thoughts the way you once were. And though it won't seem like much, that, that moment, oh, my lovelies, that moment means you are on your way. You are so close to reaching that light and peace you never thought you'd get. Don't give up. I've been there, probably three times already, complete destruction, which leads to complete rebirth and growth. I am not the same person I once was. Heck, I'm not the same person I was even six months ago. It's painful and it hurts more than most people, that haven't gone through it since they were teenagers and first went through it, can fathom. That's what's given me the reputation I have of being such a strong person. That's what's given me the court I hold now. That's what's given me the gall to sit here and try to relate to you today.
Now, you may be wondering, why does she call her inner circle her "court"? Well, a current member of my court explained how they view their relationship with me as that of a game of chess: even the king bows to the queen's power, and the queen, in turn does everything to protect her king. They understand my strength and they will bow to that strength when needed, but when necessary, they will act as rooks, castle walls to protect their queen. Even my king has offered that one of the quotes that best sums up our relationship during times of darkness is by E.H.- "She was a silent fighter, with a demon in her lung, that stole her breaths right from her, before they'd hardly passed her tongue. He was a silent fighter, who was always taught to share, and held his breath when he was with her just so she could have his air." With that, my inner circle changed from being my "best friends" or my "inner circle" or any other term for those closest to me, to being my "court". My current court members were all in agreement, they view me as the queen, and they will follow me into whatever battle I wage, whether with myself or others. They may have opinions about it, but they will be expressed in private, so that in public, they are seen as fully behind me. Every member of my court has seen me go through at least two of my rebirths, and with that time, strength, and trust, the term seemed fitting. Marianne Williamson said it best when she said: "...something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor." This is what makes my court consider me a queen, worthy of their time, protection, and love.
Anyway, back to the moral of the story! I've reached a place of peace, where I'm no longer fighting demons, public or private. Now, this isn't to say that my life is boring and dull, I have new exciting changes coming. I'm ready for life to unfold. I'm quite impatiently waiting for certain parts of my life to change, while at the same time, actively changing other parts of my life. All in all, eventually my life will change altogether; something new to match the new me. So, if you're going through a dark time, or maybe a power struggle, or maybe you're thinking your life is boring and you want some excitement...excitement will reach you, I promise you. One of the biggest lessons I've learned through everything is that you have the power to make your life the one you want. Don't wait for someone to come and make your life the one you've been dreaming of. Don't wait for "the right time". Don't wait for that "perfect person". Get out there! Life is happening all around, right now. Your vibe attracts your tribe. If you want to find like-minded people, get out there and do the things you love, you'll meet the people you're looking for just by being you. If you want to live a more exciting life, then get out and there do something new each day or each week, do something that scares you, something that inspires you. Color outside the lines. Don't be afraid of getting dirty. The happiest people are the people that don't care if they look like fools. They're just happy. They do what they want. They live the life they want. If you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection, or so says Lecrae. It's a quote that I live by now. If you want quotes about self-confidence, let me know in the comments, I have plenty. All in all, though, it boils down to one thing: be you. Live your life. This is your one life. This is it. This is all you get. Don't spend it playing with your food. Don't spend it berating yourself. Don't spend it hating the life you're currently living. If you want to have a different life, live a different life. If you keep doing the same things, associating with the same people, you're never going to live a different life. You have to try new things, surround yourself with different people, and then, and only then, will you see your life begin to change. Life is messy, change is messy, but it's oh so worth it. The only things worth having in life are hard and messy. After all, the age old quote says, "If it was easy, everyone would do it." There's a reason most people complain about not having the life they want, because it takes work, and effort, and bravery, and most importantly, confidence, to live the life you want. Live for yourself. Find your own court. Be the brave, beautiful, strong, wise, and kind you that this world deserves. The world deserves the real you, don't keep us waiting forever, and please, whatever you do, please don't disappoint us by being too afraid to let the real you out. We're anxiously waiting to meet you.
Xoxo
Kona
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