Sorry, I know it's been awhile and you probably thought I died, or fell of the face of the Earth, or I don't even want to know what you thought haha, but I am here! And I am sorry for the long wait, but I hope it will be worth it! So! How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is doing well! My life is as busy, chaotic, crazy, and wackado as ever; but I hope your lives are all going swimmingly! I am here today to remind you that I am still here, I haven't abandoned you, but life did get in the way a little.
I want to be real with you all, my lovely readers. I am going to share with you something that very few people outside of my inner circle know, and I hope you'll be kind, but I want you to understand why I sometimes take a bit of a leave of absence and leave you wondering where in the world is Carmen San Diego(please tell me you get that reference!). So, without further ado: I suffer from depression. I have suffered on and off for the last 12 years. I am recently in therapy for it, but that still doesn't mean I have my life figured out. I am still learning. I am still growing. And recently, things at work, things with my therapist, and just life in general, have gotten a little crazy. And I've been suffering some pretty bad bouts of depression because of those changes. I felt like I had no right to be here, talking with all your lovely selves, when I can't even keep my own life under control. Who am I to try and be inspirational when I can't manage to keep myself inspired? Tons of self destructive thoughts came at me and I couldn't tackle them, and you, unfortunately, suffered as a side effect of my depression. I would like to think that I am getting back on track and I am getting back to a place of peace and serenity, having regained some of the confidence that I lost when I first started this blog! So, I don't want to get into my depression and use this as a place to let it out, because this is supposed to be inspiring, and well, talk of depression is the exact opposite. So, all I want to say is: please, hang in there. I may go away at times, because my depression gets the better of me, but I will come back. I just need some time to recuperate and get back to being the person that you all deserve. And if anyone out there also suffers from depression, I absolutely know where you're at, so feel free to message me and say you need to talk. I am always here for you my lovely readers. I hope you know that even though I may be going through a tough time, that doesn't mean I'm not still here for you if you need me. Just reach out, and I'll be there! So, I strongly encourage anyone that might be battling with depression to get the help they need, and know that there are plenty of people out there that are fighting the same demons as you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I hide my depression because I don't want people to look at me differently. But, once I let it out, I wear it as armor, because then it can't be used against me.
So, to anyone out there that may be going through their own struggles, know that you're not alone. I know I'm no great writer and philosopher, but I hope you read this and feel some peace at knowing that it can happen to anyone, even someone who writes a blog about being inspired and getting the life you want!I never said I had it all figured out, I said we'd figure it out together, and that's what we're doing: figuring this out together! So, I want to impart on you a quote that I came across the other day that really resonated with me:
You're so hard on yourself.
Take a moment.
Sit back.
Marvel at your life:
at the grief that softened you,
at the heartache that wisened you,
at the suffering that strengthened you.
Despite everything,
you still grow.
Be proud
of this.
We are all our own harshest critics. We judge our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel. And that's not healthy, that's not happy. So, we often judge and berate ourselves, and that does nothing but hurt us. So, when I came across this quote, it really hit home. I know I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be. But, I do claim to be stronger, wiser, and softer than I used to be. I've grown through my pain. I haven't given in yet, and I hope I never do, because every time I rise when I want nothing more than to never get up again, I show myself that I am stronger than I realize. Some people have said that I am one of the strongest people they know, and it's because I've been down for the count countless times, and yet, every time, I push myself up, and I continue on. All those times of pushing myself, has given me strength, confidence, and wisdom. I lose my way periodically, no one is perfect, but I always come back. And I want you to know that you too can keep coming back. The reason the master is so good at what he does is because he's failed more times than the beginner has even tried. Be a master of yourself. Get knocked down...and stand back up. Don't give up. Keep pushing, keep fighting, keep being you. I have a message from one of my closest friends saved in my phone that says:
I want you to promise me that when you lose your way, and you want to give in to whatever is pulling you down: you will rise. You will not kneel, you will not cower. You will stand, and you will straighten your crown and your bow. Because you are both a queen and warrior. You will fight to stay you.
That quote has gotten me through many rough times. The reminder that I am strong. That I have faced hard times before and made it through. I hope you will remember this too. You are stronger than you realize. You can make it through anything, of that I am sure. I believe in you. So, stay strong, stay positive, stay you. You can make it through anything life throws at you because you are amazing and have amazing strength that most don't know of. Use that strength on your weakest days, and rise. Rise from the ashes, and return to you.
But, that's all I have for today. I know that that was a little on the heavy side, but I hope it helps/resonates with some of you. I love you all! I am here for every last one of you lovely readers. And I send love and positivity and peace your way.
xoxo
Kayla
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