I have something a little personal to share with you all today. I lost my best friend in 2006, and I have long since struggled with losing him. Today, I'd like to share a quick poem that I wrote a year or so ago about him. I understand that this isn't the cheery stuff I try to keep going on here, but we all have our quiet days, and right now...well, I just feel like honoring him with this. And it's better to let it out than try and keep it hidden away where it eats at you. So, please, be kind and respectful of the fact that this is my work, my words, my very mangled heart on a page.
Guide Me Home
But nobody said it was this hard.
Sitting here,
Staring at the door,
Willing it to open
And show you one more time.
Just once more,
I'd take any glimpse
And drink it in for all it's worth.
Nothing comes close,
But everything is a reminder of you:
The streets we used to drive,
The ones you never will;
The places we enjoyed together,
The ones you'll never see;
They all remind me of you,
And the hole that is now my heart.
Your ghost haunts me,
As I continue to live.
Times when I hear you call my name,
Only to turn,
And see no one there.
Times like now,
When I can nearly feel you,
On the other side of the door.
How long I've carried you with me,
And yet now,
It's like the first time.
Without you,
I don't know who I am.
I find myself waiting.
Waiting for you to come back,
And tell me how to be me,
Without you.
I know the answer though.
Deep down.
I can no longer be the me
I used to be.
I must now accept that a part of me is missing,
And form a new me,
Around your memory.
Thank you, my gentle, lovely reader. I know we all have rough days, and maybe this is something you can relate to if you too are having a rough day or have lost someone that no matter how many years, is still too soon. The other reason I post this is because I have long since learned that you can't hide from your pain or sorrow. So, I will give Michael the time he deserves, these brief moments of mourning, no matter how many years have passed. And I will continue on with my day, with a fresh perspective, as I remember how short life can be.
There's a quote, and I know, I told you, I have a quote for everything, but there's a quote that says: ships don't sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.
This quote is so absolutely true. Allow yourself time to grieve, allow yourself time to wallow, and allow yourself time to hurt. But then do what your loved one would want you to do: live. Ships take on water from the waves, but they are also built to allow that excess water to run off. You can let sorrow in, just don't let it take up permanent residence. You are absolutely allowed to be sad, but keep in mind that whoever you're sad about, doesn't want you to be sad for the rest of your life. Honor their memory with a sad song(for Michael, it's Run by Snow Patrol), or a poem, or whatever you need to do. And then get back to living the life that they would be proud to see you living. I, for example, am now listening to the Blank Space/Style mashup by Louisa Wendorff. Why? Because it's a nice easy song that helps gets me ready to join the rest of the world after dipping down into the trenches that I've spent much of my life in.
You, my lovely reader, are only as brave as you'll let yourself be. You are insanely brave and strong, you just need a little reminding sometimes, when your spirit is feeling weak. This, this moment, right now, is that reminder. You can handle anything. And I believe in you. So, put on some nice halfway music, lift yourself up out of the trenches, and get back to living the life you dream of, the life your loved one would want you to be living. And if you can't manage to lift yourself from the trenches, simply raise your hand, and I will help pull you up. You are never alone in this, love; you are here, reading this blog, so trust me when I say, you are never alone. So, be brave, and be strong, and lift yourself up, even when you're exhausted, and believe me, I've been there, and know that you have survived 100% of your bad days, so you have got this. If I were ever going to bet on someone to make it through all that life will throw at them, it would be you. Why? Because you have made it this far in life, and you keep fighting, despite whatever hurdles life throws at you. Because you are here, looking for the good in life, despite all the darkness you've seen. Because you are strong, and brave, and courageous, despite how tired you may be. So, rise once more, after your knees have hit the floor, and know that I am standing with you. And we might be a motley crew, but we are in this together. Through the good and the bad, we are here for one another.
You deserve every happiness that any of us deserve, no matter the burden you carry, no matter the things you've done, no matter any of it. We stand together, strong, as a reminder that we will not go quietly into the night, and we will burn against the dying of the light(yes, yes, I know, more quotes). Allow yourself to burn brighter this evening. With that being said, I send you love, and light, and all things bright, as you make a difference this evening, a difference in yourself.
xoxo
Kayla
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